Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
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Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
favorite tropes as memes
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.