My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
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Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Those are good neighbors.
Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh