Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
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Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.