[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
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[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
So we got a goldfish…
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice