When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
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I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
incredible text to wake up to
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
Classic German Shepherd 😂
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
May never get over this
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
🙋♀️
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.