The pointless tidy up before a play date.
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My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
everyone has that one prude friend
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything