A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
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Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Me too
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?