What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
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[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now