Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
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I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing