Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
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A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
79.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?