With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
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Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”