[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
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Hell yeah 👍
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Well, shit
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous