One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
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Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Somebody’s lying.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
That time Alicia messaged me
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word