When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
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Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.