Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
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“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”