[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
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My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.