I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
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High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.