5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
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As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight