🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
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*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY