My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
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Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
figuring out my emotional availability:
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.