“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
here go my impression of dealing with any client in any capacity ever
CLIENT: how much do u charge?
YOU: its 1 dollar per glorf
CLIENT: oh thats very reasonable. ok i have 3 glorfs. so how much is that?
YOU: 3 dollars
CLIENT: WHY SO MUCH????
NOW I AM CALLING THE POLICE!!
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back