The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
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Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.