when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
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Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
This fish is cracking me up
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*