Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
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My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
This meal prepping shit is easy
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Hey Fugeddaboutit
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time