Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
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I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
So we got a goldfish…
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No