Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
You Might Also Like
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.