[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
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Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
Had to try this trend 😊
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap