If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
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I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Namaste
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.