911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
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I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”