One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
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Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad