Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
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When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
what do you want!!!!!!!!
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet