[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
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Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
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People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
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This probably isn’t good
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
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“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
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“You call us” – OH NO
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Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
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10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
bears
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me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold