I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
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hmmm
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?