If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
You Might Also Like
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
based al yankovic
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!