Oh. My. God.
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Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E