I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
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Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Taking phone security to the next level.
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Not even remotely sorry.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
getting groceries
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what