guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
You Might Also Like
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.