West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
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Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point