Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.