[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
This is hilarious….
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.