My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
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ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
Coffee is ready.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.