god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
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Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.