My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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real
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people