CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
this is one of the funniest videos of all time