How did the first person to read learn how to read?
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Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
I want this so bad
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived