When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
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I would like even faster food.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
i’m still crying at this
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Made something I’m not proud of
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
White Castle for the Win
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.