i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
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dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.
pizza
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second