If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
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[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
This tweet lives in my head rent free.