Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
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I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Just say no
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.