I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
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You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
i’m still crying at this
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.